Sep 28 2009
The eX-File(s)
They told me, in Indonesia, Eid Mubarak is a day for apologize.
I always wonder if the forgiving is real or just a stupid platitude.
The small example is, if our chicken is stolen, shall we forgive the thief?
Or if we’re going home for celebrating the Eid, then a truck scratches our car in the middle of the trip, shall we forgive the truck?
Or instead we don’t forgive them, but we keep report the chicken’s thief and the truck driver to police?
Coz then if that’s the way it is, the jail will be solemn in the Eid coz all prison’s forgiven.
Coz as what Tao Ming She said in Meteor Garden, if apologize is useful, then what does police stand for?
If apologize is useful, then what does police stand for?
As yesterday I grinned painfully coz my ankle was swollen, it was thought in my mind that I needed to see an orthopedist. But yesterday was Sunday, I knew no orthopedist would open.
The accident that I had wasn’t an life-threatening emergency case, so if I even went to ER, I would only be handled by a general practitioner who reported to an orthopedist by phone.
The thing that I dislike most from ER is, there’s always a possibility that my colleague who works there will recognize me right away.
I can’t imagine if I come into the ER as a cripple patient and someone will shout out, “Doctor Vicky, what da hell happened to you?”
Good, why doesn’t anyone call an infotainment show instead?
So the keypoint is, if I’d avoid the chaos, I should find an orthopedy assistant who can be phoned to check me up silently. And the best person for the work is.. him.
I found my knee got weak as I imagined his name.
Then I remembered a rotten memory which I’ve locked tightly in the hindmost of my brain.
It was three years ago, I was still an intern in an hospital.
Once upon an afternoon, it was almost my shift ward in the maternity room, my colleague, just call her name Tracy, confessed to me in our bedroom that she was involved into a forbidden love. I didn’t tell her to specify the story, coz I thought it wasn’t my business.
Tracy might just need an ear for some kinda sin confession or what-so-ever.
That night, we worked in the maternity room.
I was so glad coz that night I was in the same night shift with a man whom I’d called “Darling” for years.
Those days, we were young and we were in love. At least, I thought so.
After the dinner in the ward base, suddenly I saw My “Darling” and Tracy flirt each other on the desk without voice.
Tracy’s face got ruddy like Meg March’s face when she found John Brooke had just already hid her glove in Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women. My chin got stiff, my stomach felt sick.
Louisa May Alcott's Little Women
Now I got it why Tracy said it was a forbidden love.
She made a f*ck with My Darling behind me.
I wanna get mad, but I was in a maternity room so it wasn’t appropriate if I messed up in a room where there was a patient inside.
But I wasn’t strong enough to see the both faces of them, my best friend.. and my boyfriend..
I still stared a view to kill to my Darling before then I decided to get out from the maternity room, and walked so fast to a mosque.
I didn’t know why I ran to mosque. Though it wasn’t my time for praying..
That’s the last moment I talked to my boyfriend.
He still tried to text me. The Eid Mubarak came up and he texted me.
I didn’t reply him coz I thought it was just his massal text which he used send-to-all facilitation for it.
Why, after all we both have said and done, he just cheated on me with Tracy?
We both were fine, we were happy, and we weren’t fighting.
Didn’t he aware that being unfaithful is a big original sin?
Then, years were gone. We were all graduated.
I went through a job in another hospital, Tracy worked in a community health centre, and My Ex ran to a school for surgery.
Two Eid Mubaraks were over.
My Ex still got his robot to text me “Mohon maaf lahir batin” for apologize.
I never replied him. Forgiving seems a hard thing to do.
The third Eid, I began to forget that we both had ever dated.
I thought it was the moment to learn how to treat him as a colleague, instead as an ex.
So it was my turn to send him a massal Eid text.
This year has been a fourth Eid since we were breaking up.
I considered the situation and finally e-mailed my colleague, by a standard greeting which what people usually said, “Mohon maaf lahir batin.”
I found out four days ago he replied me from his BlackBerry, “…how r u?”
As I laid down on my bed yesterday and looked at my swollen ankle and wished for a surgeon, I knew My Ex could help me.
He was the one who understood me not just medically, but also psychologically.
But I was too miserable to remember what he did to me three years ago.
He wouldn’t be able to help me professionally.
Doctors mustn’t play with fire with their patients. I should get another surgeon, not My Ex.
My ankle probably was ache due to the accident, but my heart was much more painful coz of his affair.
It’s hard to replace the person whom we lost if we love him much.
Especially if we weren’t losing him mercifully.
I memorized My Darling as a dearly baby, and I let God snatched him for rescuing my heart from his cheating on me. And for what he has done with Tracy, I try to forgive him, slowly.
Though probably for it, I should wait for lots of Eid Mubarak.
6 responses so far
kakak iparku barusan lulus ortopedi. coba kamu ada disini, beres perkara. btw masa di bandung sulit sih nyari spesialis ortopedi? harusnya kan banyak. coba telpon teman2mu, sapa tau bisa dikenalkan sama temannya temannya teman… yg mungkin bersedia mbantu pasien di hari minggu.
Sewaktu kecelakaan ini terjadi, aku lagi di rumahku yang kebetulan belum ada alamat jelasnya. Jadi kalau pun manggil taksi buat nolongin aku pun, taksinya belum tentu bisa nemu aku.
Tidak gampang buat dokter kalau dapet musibah. Ayahku tidak berpendapat bahwa cederaku adalah sesuatu yang butuh penanganan sesegera mungkin. Dan memang cederaku bukan termasuk kategori yang butuh spesialis ortopedi saat itu juga.
Hari Minggu aku ditolong temanku. Dia residen ortopedi juga, sebentar lagi mau brevet. Dia bimbing aku via instant message, kompres dingin, bebat, dan macam-macam. Berkat petunjuknya, aku tertolong.
Selamat buat kakak iparmu. Percaya deh, punya seorang dokter ortopedi di rumah akan sangat membantu.
Hey, Vicky, relax. Shit happens. You’re lucky enough you knew it now, not later when you’re paying bills and mortgage together, with five children;-p. About forgiveness, in my opinion, is necessary for our own sake. To forgive doesn’t mean to justify what other people have done to us, but to detach ourselves for being afflicted. To set us free. But it doesn’t happen instantly. People say, there are 5 stages of forgiving: denial (I don’t love him, I’m fine whatever he’s done), anger (I’ll kill him, I wish he’s impotent), bargaining (if he apologise wholeheartedly and beg me on his knee to come back, I’ll forgive him), depression (I am not good enough for him, he doesn’t even like me) and acceptance (I’ll let him go and I believe there will be rainbow after the rain). All stages are important to our self-improvement, providing we can pass them successfully. We have to be patient and give ourselves time. I believe that everything has consequences. If one is being unfaithful, one will have to pay back. It doesn’t have to be as we wish, e.g. he will be wretched and crawl back to us, but there is an effect for everything we did. It is not our responsibility to decide for him, it is our own heart that we need to take care. Trust me, to forgive is the best option we have. Because you have much better thing in store.
I’m so glad I found it. I couldn’t imagine if I found it out when he was already my husband, it would be so hard to divorce from him, hahahah..
Ya know, I’ve been through those five stages already, and I can’t even understand how it took too many years to go through tit. Denial lasted for about a month, anger lasted for a year, and the rest of all, I can’t remember. So glad I’m doing my acceptance stage now. I know it’ll be so hard to forgive him totally, but at least I’m still trying.
sekarang vicky dah sembuh kan? semoga..
**sebenarnya bundo mau numpang ngakak lihat foto Ase dengan kata-kata fenomenalnya itu.. vicky, vicky.. mengingatkan bundo lagi pada kenangan bersama ase
Maaf, Bundo, saya yang memiliki kenangan itu duluan bernama A She. Bundo sih belakangan..